Why we're not adopting our foster daughter
Our six-year-old foster daughter and her sister came into my care on August 1, 2018. At that time, we were all hopeful that reunification with her biological mother would happen relatively quickly. But as the case moved forward, new information was disclosed that revealed that the ability to reunify the family would be much more complicated than we originally thought.
This was really hard news for us to absorb. I became interested in foster care because there is a real need and I had the resources and space in my home to support that need. I also wanted to support the efforts a biological family made to recover from whatever tragedy and trauma led to the separation of parent and child. Because while adoption can be a beautiful thing, it is not the natural order of things. And it doesn't occur without significant grief and loss.
A couple months in, the question was raised whether I'd be interested in adopting the girls. Early on in the placement, I wondered if it was something I was up to. But once I was forced to really consider what that would mean, I knew the answer was no. There are some selfish reasons to that response - I was okay taking on the responsibility temporarily, but I wasn't confident I was up to it forever. But I also just didn't feel convinced that I was supposed to be their forever mom. And I think adoption, like marriage, is something that you should be able to go into 100% sure of and committed to.
But more importantly, I'm committed to my role as a foster parent. I do not ever want to feel like I'm competing with a biological family member for custody of a child. And by taking the possibility of adoption off the table up front, I am able to preserve my commitment to providing short-term support to a child while his or her parents hopefully have the time, space, and resources committed to them to turn their lives around.
Yes, there is attachment. Yes, there is the hard aspect about not wanting to hold on too tightly knowing that you're going to let go. But there's also the reassurance to the child that they can still openly and freely love their biological family, even while relying on us to meet their daily physical and emotional needs. And I hope it also helps us build trust with the biological family.
No, I do not want to take your children from you. I want you to be successful. I want you to work hard and get your life together. I want to help you break whatever destructive cycles or patterns you have experienced that led you to this point. And if you can't, I will help your child grieve that loss, and I will prepare them to transition to another home where I know they will be lovingly cared for forever.
But my home is a safe place for your child to rest while you get to work.
This was really hard news for us to absorb. I became interested in foster care because there is a real need and I had the resources and space in my home to support that need. I also wanted to support the efforts a biological family made to recover from whatever tragedy and trauma led to the separation of parent and child. Because while adoption can be a beautiful thing, it is not the natural order of things. And it doesn't occur without significant grief and loss.
A couple months in, the question was raised whether I'd be interested in adopting the girls. Early on in the placement, I wondered if it was something I was up to. But once I was forced to really consider what that would mean, I knew the answer was no. There are some selfish reasons to that response - I was okay taking on the responsibility temporarily, but I wasn't confident I was up to it forever. But I also just didn't feel convinced that I was supposed to be their forever mom. And I think adoption, like marriage, is something that you should be able to go into 100% sure of and committed to.
But more importantly, I'm committed to my role as a foster parent. I do not ever want to feel like I'm competing with a biological family member for custody of a child. And by taking the possibility of adoption off the table up front, I am able to preserve my commitment to providing short-term support to a child while his or her parents hopefully have the time, space, and resources committed to them to turn their lives around.
Yes, there is attachment. Yes, there is the hard aspect about not wanting to hold on too tightly knowing that you're going to let go. But there's also the reassurance to the child that they can still openly and freely love their biological family, even while relying on us to meet their daily physical and emotional needs. And I hope it also helps us build trust with the biological family.
No, I do not want to take your children from you. I want you to be successful. I want you to work hard and get your life together. I want to help you break whatever destructive cycles or patterns you have experienced that led you to this point. And if you can't, I will help your child grieve that loss, and I will prepare them to transition to another home where I know they will be lovingly cared for forever.
But my home is a safe place for your child to rest while you get to work.
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